Esther’s Birth Story

I can’t adequately write her birth story without writing her pregnancy story too. We suffered a miscarriage before her which I think set the stage for worry and fear during her pregnancy. That’s what I think sums up her whole pregnancy, anxiety and discomfort. I was so happy to be pregnant but I couldn’t stop my mind and body from worrying. I started having panic attacks and could just feel so much anxiousness in my body. I tried so many things to help and a lot of things did, but it was still living in me. My worries revolved around anything, miscarrying again, going into preterm labor, one of my kids getting hit by a car, cancer, Mike getting in a car accident, my own health. A lot of the worries were so random and unfounded. A big worry was my health. During my third pregnancy I had gestational diabetes which was annoying but manageable and preeclampsia. I really really wanted a home birth but knew that medication dependent gestational diabetes and/or preeclampsia would increase risks for baby and myself and also risk me out of home birth. I tried everything to reduce my risks.

Around round 36 weeks my blood pressure slowly started to creep up. We kept a close eye on it, and decided to try and encourage baby to come naturally, while also continuing to monitor my blood pressure. The things we tried to encourage labor didn’t work which isn’t surprising at 36 and a half weeks. But my blood pressure kept creeping up. This week was extremely difficult for me mentally and emotionally. I felt like I did EVERYTHING to avoid this and that my body was betraying me. Saturday night I had a chat on the phone with Caitlyn and we went over options as my numbers were telling us we need to take action. They weren’t super high, but trending upward. I had a good cry and let it all out. I just remember thinking over and over “I want to be healthy so bad.” I tried so hard and hated having the worry of added risks. 

We talked about options being going into the hospital for an induction, transferring to a hospital based group, or getting more aggressive with “natural” induction methods and trying for the original plan of birthing at home. We went over risks and decided to try and stay home, but I figured I had a 50/50 chance of transfer, since my BP is more likely to go up when I’m stressed about it and in pain. We decided to change plans of having our kids present at the birth to having them stay at my parents house so we wouldn’t have the stress of trying to coordinate who watches them if we need to transfer. We also had a long chat about how we have to listed to what my body is telling us and if transfer is what needs to happen, accepting that is a way of honoring my body. We also talked about how at this point we are moving outside of physiology by pushing my body into labor more aggressively when it wasn’t ready to go into labor on it’s own.

Saturday night we went out on a date knowing it would be the last one for a while and got a full nights sleep. We woke up to Jojo coming into our room Sunday morning saying she barfed. Absolute worst timing ever I tried not to freak out about it and disinfected the entire house like crazy. Right around this time the midwife texted saying that my results came back and I was positive for GBS. I tried not to let these developments stress me out. 

I had three big worries about labor and birth: 

1.) Transferring care to the hospital. I have seen birth in all different environments and I really, REALLY did not want to birth in a hospital. 

2.) My anxiety during labor being high, which would cause my blood pressure to go up. I had so much anxiety throughout pregnancy that I really couldn’t control and I was worried about it interfering with the process (I’m always teaching in HypnoBirthing how an unregulated nervous system negatively impacts labor and here I was, not able to control my nervous system).

3.) Feeling like I was being watched during labor and wondering if I had too many people on my birth team. 

We decided that since her head was well applied and my cervix was favorable that we’d start by breaking my water, so Caitlyn came over at 9 AM on Sunday to do that, do a membrane sweep, start the antibiotics that I opted for and then left to give us some space to get labor going.

After the kids were off to Nana’s and the process was started, a miracle happened. My anxiety was gone. It was like a weight lifted off my chest, and it physically noticeable. I knew the anxiety was bad, but once it was gone, it felt even more of a stark difference. It was truly an answer to so many heartfelt prayers for peace during labor and birth. It might not seem like a big deal but to me it was truly a miracle to go into this experience with peace that I had been lacking for 9 months.

I had a few cramps here and there but nothing crazy. We just hung out in our bedroom and wrote to her in her journal and just talked and spent time together. It felt so quiet and reverent and holy to just be us two.

Mike went to pick up lunch for us from Rubio’s and while he was gone, surges started coming more regularly, 2-3 minutes apart but short, around 30 seconds and mild. I liked just being alone in the quiet and focusing on my body. When he came back my surges slowed down. It’s so crazy that with the shift in energy even with someone I’m the most comfortable with still affects labor. I ate lunch, we hung out and talked with Caitlyn about potentially taking castor oil since surges slowed down to 8-10 minutes apart. We went downstairs to make the castor oil shake and I had a surge and put my foot on the chair during the surge and felt something shift. Right away they starting coming every 5 minutes and I had to focus and breathe through them. I was still going to take the castor oil but Mike convinced me to hold off (BLESS HIM). We went back up to the room and Caitlyn came back to give me a second dose of antibiotics at 2 PM. I couldn’t talk through contractions but they still felt mild and maybe 5 minutes apart. I sat on the exercise ball next to my bed leaning onto some pillows. During a surge it felt good to rock my hips forward and backward. When the dose of antibiotics was done Caitlyn asked if I’d like her to stay or hang out downstairs or hang out with us. I still felt like it was early and I didn’t want extra eyes on me so I told her to grab lunch or run errands and I’d keep in touch. 

As soon as she left the surges got closer and stronger, about 2 minutes a part and a minute long. During surges I started vocalizing in low tones. Mike did some counter pressure and was rubbing my back. He was super attentive and present through the whole thing. I let the team know it was probably time to come just before 3 o’clock. People started quietly coming in and I didn’t notice or talk with anyone, I was very much focused on my body. 

I figured this was probably transition based on the pattern and intensity, but I didn’t feel like I was in pain, the word I’d use to describe them is STRONG. Mike started filling the tub but the shower head adapter kept bursting and spraying him with water. I don’t exactly know what was happening, I just know he was acting frantic but trying to look calm and people were using buckets to fill the tub. He kept telling me not to worry about it and they’d figure it out but I was worried about it, I realllly wanted to get in the tub! I kept thinking there’s no way they’ll be able to fill the tub full just using buckets but my friends Meagan and Lisa were amazing and got that tub filled.

I started feeling pushy during contractions as soon as the tub was filled and got in the tub and started pushing. With my previous two births pushing felt good and productive and the baby was born after 1-2 contractions so I figured this would be the same. It was not. I pushed as my body told me to and wow it was intense. This was definitely the hardest part for me, I just kept thinking that I wanted it to be over and I wanted to be done. I was moving all around the tub, nowhere felt comfortable and it felt good to move. During this time Caitlyn told me, “you’re doing it, you’re having your baby at home just like you wanted”. It hit me so hard and I just started sobbing because I was so happy and couldn’t believe it was happening how I wanted. 

After about 20 minutes I felt her head crown, and then her whole head was born into my hand. I remember saying “There she is” and catching my breath and holding onto her head while I waited for the next contraction. At 3:41 PM the rest of her body was born and I pulled her up out of the water and onto my chest. It was pure heaven. The oxytocin high was out of this world. Mike and I just cried and looked at her. I was so surprised and elated that I actually got the birth of my dreams. We cuddled and got to know her in the tub surrounded by floating flowers. This was the biggest reason why I wanted a home birth, because of the reverence and hands off approach of the immediate postpartum. 

After a while in the tub I tried to birth my placenta but it wasn’t coming so we moved to the bed and nursed and cuddled and tried some more to get the placenta out. It still wasn’t coming. I thought if I could squat it would just fall right out, but nope. So Mike cut the cord and I went to the bathroom to try on the toilet. Finally it came out but with all the moving around I got super lightheaded. Jess was right there with me, I told her I was going to pass out, she had me lean forward and hug her and I woke up on the bathroom floor. People were talking to me and feeding me and giving me an IV. They said I was out for just a few seconds. After resting for a while I felt totally fine and came back to bed to cuddle my baby and husband. I got to look at my own placenta, which was really cool! Caitlyn gave me a lovely leg massage, everyone was so attentive to me, Mike and our baby, I really did feel like a queen. One of the songs on my labor playlist has lyrics that say, “I’ll never been more loved than I am right now” and it felt so fitting. After a few hours, everyone packed up, cleaned our bedroom, did our laundry, got us food and then left us to cuddle and bond with our girl. 

Anna Jean Grubbs is named after my grandma, Anna Jean Porter and the greatest woman I’ve ever known. I felt her presence during my pregnancy, and one time in particular when I was spiraling in anxiety, I just all the sudden felt her presence so strong and the words, “everything will be okay” in my mind.